he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
