I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
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