We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize