Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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