I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
ok first of all what the fuck
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