I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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