I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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