My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize