Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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