Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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