Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
