I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize