When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
