Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
