probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize