now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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