My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
