you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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