remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Less talking, more tequila
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
