The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Then you guys just all showered together...?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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