you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
