Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
