He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
