last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize