i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
