I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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