Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
