I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
