I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
