He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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