so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
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