I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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