That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
