last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
