I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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