Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
