remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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