Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
