there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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