Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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