So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
