If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
