seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
