Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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