sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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