Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
