Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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