He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
