No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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