I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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