I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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