Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
