nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
party gras won. party gras always wins.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
