sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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