sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
