people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
