i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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