lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize