I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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