Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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