Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
