New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
should my penis look like a turkey
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He shit in the fireplace
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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