you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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