I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
