hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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