Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
