I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Found the puke drawer
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
